June 22, 2005

How Not to Apologize

I’ve given lots of apologies. I’m not too thrilled that my words and actions have hurt others, but I believe my experience has taught me how to give a genuine apology, or at least how not to give an apology. Here are few tips:

Don’t say “I’m sorry, but…”

Don’t try to defend what you’ve done. The whole point of an apology is to admit that what you did should not have been done. Don’t try to offer an excuse or justify what you’ve done.

Don’t say “I’m sorry if I offended you”.

This is a biggie that is done all the time in public apologies. For example, when Sen. Durbin offered an apology ( ”>listen to MP3 of his apology) yesterday on the Senate floor for comparing the Guantanamo prison to prisons that were once run by the Nazi’s and the Soviets and other oppressive regimes, his apology started by blaming not his words, but words in general:

“I’m sorry if anything I said caused any offense or pain to those who have such bitter memories of the holocaust….I’m also sorry if anything I said cast a negative light on our fine men and women in the military….Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line, to them I extend my heartfelt apologies….I offer my apologies to those who were offended by my words”

The meaning, whether intentional or not, was “I am not sorry for saying something wrong. I’m sorry for saying something that was offensive.” Don’t miss the difference. Using the “if I offended you” phrase means that if you were not offended by the statement, then he did nothing wrong. I don’t know the true intentions of Sen. Durbin. I suppose it is possible that he meant to admit wrongdoing, but he didn’t understand what he was really doing. Or, he still really believes that Guantanamo is on the same level as Auschwitz or the Gulag. If so, then his apology was just another political hoop to jump through. A better apology would have been

“I’m sorry if anything I said caused any offense or pain to those who have such bitter memories of the holocaust….I’m also sorry if anything I said [I] cast a negative light on our fine men and women in the military…. Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line, to them I extend my heartfelt apologies….I offer my apologies to those who were offended by my words”

An apology like that would have been much more believeable.