August 2, 2005

If I Were Juicin’ Up

With the recent news of Rafael Palmeiro juicin’ up, I began to wonder if juicin’ up might could improve my career and personal life. Here are a few of those thoughts.

If I were juicin’ up…

Then I wouldn’t need a laptop, I could just carry around my desktop tower and 21 inch behemoth of a monitor with me wherever I went. That would give me a distinct advantage over the competition, even if the guy in the seat next to me on the airplane didn’t care much for me.

Then I could press my mouse button really hard. Even the little links and icons would be no match for the power of my clicks. They would fear me.

Then I could type so fast that my fingers would literally smoke. No kidding, they would smoke.

Then the speed at which I could scroll down through my list of 700 songs on my iPod would certainly astonish you. Kids everywhere would sit amazed at how fast a seemingly ordinary guy could get to the song "Zoo Tomorrow."

Then when I changed the bottle on the water cooler, I could flabbergast the other employees by spinning it on my finger like a basketball. Or maybe I would juggle three bottles at one time.

Then Caleb wouldn’t have a fighting chance when it came to a game of one-on-one on his basketball goal. I’m talking sheer domination.

Then I’d probably accidentally get Caleb’s head stuck in the ceiling when I tossed him up in the air. He loves the attic though, so he probably wouldn’t mind.

How would your life be different if you juiced?