October 23, 2007

One Year Later

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death and delivery of our daughter Anna. She was stillborn 21 weeks into my pregnancy. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of the hardest day of my life…leaving the labor and delivery floor after delivering a baby without her. With only one way in and out you have to be wheeled by the nursery as if you need to be reminded of what you’ve lost.

In the first few days at home I didn’t know how we would ever move on and be normal again, but life has gone on. Having Caleb helped because he still expected us to get up every morning and take care of him.

Looking back a year later I can see how God really got us through a terrible time.

Andy and I are closer than ever. Going through a tragedy can bring you together or tear you apart, and thankfully for us it made our marriage stronger. I wouldn’t have made it through without him. He took over everything I couldn’t make myself do from taking back baby bedding and clothing to taking care of Caleb when I couldn’t.

We were so young and naive standing at the altar almost nine years ago reciting our wedding vows, but the commitment we made that day has gotten us through all of the ups and downs we’ve faced. Together we are a team. It is so comforting to know whatever we face that we’ll face it together.

I also realize our story isn’t the most tragic story ever. Deep in grief, it is easy to pity yourself. I have met several women who have been through something similar with the loss of a child. Their willingness to share their story with me has helped me understand that our story is not unique. They provide a safe place to talk about Anna and keep her memory alive. They understand the hole that will always be left in our family as we wonder what Anna would have been like.

Five months after we lost Anna we were surprised to find out we were expecting again. I have a very different perspective this time around. Back aches, nausea, calf cramps in the middle of the night, and stretch marks don’t really matter. I’m just glad to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I was chasing Caleb around the yard the other day playing hide and seek and soccer, and I was overwhelmed with how blessed I was to feel so good at eight months pregnant.

Anna will always be a part of who we are as a family. We never would have chosen this path we’ve been on this past year, but I can see how God brought us through. I appreciate even more the blessings I have as we look forward to the future.

My wonderful sister Kayla wrote this poem that we have framed and hanging in our hallway:

Anna.
Such a simple name—
perfect both forward and backward—
the beginning and the end so close together,
almost the same.

Anna.
A whole life,
unlived—
yet a whole life, nonetheless